1 Nov. 2006

The sky’s the limit with new implants

Maria Kotovych

Right now, I’m surfing the Internet, and I’m thinking about breasts.

You see, recently the CBC website has been keeping me abreast of recent changes in Canada’s health policy: namely, Health Canada is once again allowing silicone breast implants to be used—but there are certain restrictions and conditions placed on them. Now, don’t get me wrong—I think breast implants are great to help women who have had a breast removed due to cancer. But are implants really necessary for cosmetic purposes?

In one article, a University of Toronto plastic surgery professor, one Walter Peters, compares the consistency of the gel inside the re-introduced implants to that of gummy bears. Now that is something I would happily support—breasts that feel like gummy bears. In fact, just today, as I was getting dressed, I was thinking to myself, "Geez, I sure wish that my breasts felt a bit more like gummy bears."

Suddenly, it occurred to me that breast implants can be yet another vehicle through which women can express their individuality and style. After all, today’s consumer market is all about choice. Everything these days can be custom-designed with all sorts of fancy-shmancy features. Look at today’s cellphones, cars and computers. You can even get ice cream made with fruits, nuts and candy mixed in with your ice cream!

In order to stay competitive in today’s consumer market and to attract the desired young female demographic, makers of breast implants really should consider creating implants that women can custom design for themselves. Customized breasts can, and should, be the next new fashion accessory. Today’s consumers want choice, so I say this: ladies, please join me in demanding more options when it comes to breast implants.

I mean, what are the choices for us now? Right now, we can get either silicon or saline breast implants. That’s it. Is it fair to have our choice limited to two types? When you buy a car, nobody limits your choice to two types of cars, and certainly nobody dictates how many options or extra features you can get. Shouldn’t that kind of choice also exist for breast implants?

Personally, I think that silicon implants are so 1992. Surely scientists have considered some different materials with which to create implants while retaining the desired consistency of gummy bears at the same time. What about using actual gummy bears for manufacturing breast implants? Stay with me here—you know how women are always saying that they can’t eat junk food because it’ll go straight to their hips? Forget the hips; redirect it to the breasts!

Now, to accessorize. If you think about cellphones and other modern gadgets, they can all be customized to the user—and they would be much less impressivbe if they didn’t beep, ring or play music. I think breast implants deserve a voice as well. And since many guys like to talk to a woman’s breasts, wouldn’t it be cool if the breasts could reply?

In order to remain competitive, breast implant manufacturers should pay attention to the trends. Nothing’s more profitable these days than combining technologies. If cellphones can come equipped with cameras and computer games, would it really be a stretch to add similar features to breast implants? I think it would be quite convenient to have a camera embedded right in a breast implant, as a matter of fact. Then, when women go to bars or parties, they wouldn’t have to worry about leaving their camera somewhere and having it stolen. And since the threat of theft exists for purses as well, implants could also include a side compartment where a woman could store personal effects like her wallet, keys and lipstick.

This kind of feature would be a nice perk for women seeking a non-traditional, yet practical, implant. It would be breast implants’ answer to cargo pants. Most importantly, it would lift their spirits and separate them from the rest of the crowd.

Wanna respond? Send your feedback to gateway@gateway.ualberta.ca.