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Saturday, January 5, 2008

Redoubling Dallas’ resolve: Big D dreams double-D big

Was Dallas abreast of its future, or -- Too late in 2008?

Dallas, Dallas! Come to your senses and get your fiscal priorities straight!

Yes, we lost the Cowboys stadium a couple of years back.

The Trinity River Roll Toad is a done deal.

But, almost unnoticed, we let slip away a far larger 2007 opportunity;

Anna Nicole Smith should have been buried in Dallas.

But is all lost? Not when hope, like death, springs eternal!

I say, with or without Smith’s actual corpse laid to rest here, an institute should be built to this icon carcass even if it’s a make-believe tomb designed a la the SMU Bush Library. This Mecca for the All-American pursuit of fame and fortune could ultimately become Anna Nicole’s final resting place, marked by a landmark statue of her imposing proportions echoing the gigantic Dallas Zoo giraffe (in Oak Cliff/ I-35), to salute her status as an indigenous species and mesmerize the marketed-to-tourist masses.

Who can deny that the once heavenly bodied Ms. Smith heavily embodied the long-standing tradition; the fabled 'small town girl goes to Dallas' brunette-to-blonde shell of a bomb? Why, it’s in our gene pool DNA; beginning with 50s stripper Candy Barr and our Hollywood bound (après SMU) faux Marilyn expo, Jane Mansfield, this prototype burnt offering has been a Dallas alter staple.

The late but grating Smith, despite her being born 100 miles south, personifies an enduring Dallas prototype. Witness the earliest Southwest Airlines uniforms, any Cowboys cheerleader, and any number of second (or third) so-called Dallas area 'trophy' wives. Like them, Ms. Smith grew blonder every year, her teeth became whiter every year, her chest was swollen with more than pride, and her aim was to be famous for something. She targeted rich men and was always dieting. Tell me she wasn't a Dallasite?

And, like the post-Mexia Ms. Smith, Dallas is about tomorrow. This is a town that forgets 'yesterday' (except pertinent sports statistics or Neiman Marcus shoe sale original price bounty). Dallas has always been the perfect place for second and third and forth acts. Or marriages. And so-called 'Gentleman's Clubs where much of the above is spawned. Small wonder the 'Dallas Idol' tryouts are often held there as was the case with Anna Nicole Smith's earlier sojourn to Houston, where she met the man who, despite appearing to no longer be living but not yet embalmed, went on to become the "love of (her) life."

Still skeptical that Dallas blew it big time by not fighting for Smith's local entombment?

Dallas is the breast implant capital of the western world. The nation's implants are made locally and they are inserted here with all the regularity of New Yorkers swiping an ATM card. We led the way with silicone chests implanted in the 70s-80s, removed in the 80s-90s, then suing and winning average $70,000 each in the class action Dow lawsuit settlement. And now that silicone gel implants are legal again, they’re removing the latter day saline substitutes for the very breasts they were paid handsomely to insist nearly killed them. That's how Anna Nicole would have re-doubled her Big D re-cycling efforts. Can Al Gore be unimpressed?

How can we ignore how long-standing Dallas values exude the essence of the Anna Nicole mystique? The plastic sturgeon Anna Nicole was caviar to the cosmetic surgery faithful. Her Get Rich rosary in the Trim Spa Chapel was a scalpel. Her prayers were answered because she did it the Dallas way; inflate one’s assets and marry a man uglier than hell but richer than Heaven.

Those who say Dallas is bereft of bragging rights until the Cowboys win the Super Bowl or Jessica Simpson wins an Oscar underestimate Dallas' capacity to deem the impossible. The Trinity Levees thoroughfare may become a blaze of gory. We may have been blindsided by Jerry Jones' Arlington money-waving minions per that futuristic stadium. But is it too late to build the real temple of All-American sport, the Anna Nicole Smith Museum of Mindless Pursuit? It's bound to draw more tourists than the Bush Library or some pigskin shrine.

Dallasites unite! Let's recommit ourselves to our shallow root system and emphasize what made us the hardcore hamlet we know and love.

Let's put our money where someone's mouth is and once again cater to those to whom 'think tank' means a blonde in a halter. Let's build an official shrine whose mission is teaching our Dallasite descendents that anything can happen when you think big in a small town that got huge still thinking small about big things. Like Anna Nicole.